i still think of you every day. i think about you when i'm walking to class, i think about you when i see an instagram reel, i think of you when i see something funny.

i haven't deleted our pictures or anything. i mean it's 5 years of memories. i still have your keychain charm that you gave me on it, through thick and thin. i guess it wasn't through. part of me still thinks you'll come back and maybe that's why it hasn't really hit me yet. i still think you'll come back and we'll be together again. as we always have in the past.

i wrote earlier that i was seeing other people and that's true but i swear i would drop them in an infinitesimal amount of time. i feel though it's important that i do. i need to make sure we don't relapse haha. i say relapse like you're some sort of drug, but it's true. i want to move on, at least logically, but i know if i was given the chance i'd choose to be with you. you're a flawed person and i don't always like what you do, but i love you and who you are. i always have. we're different people from way back, but to be honest i never outgrew you. i think you outgrew me.

i don't know why i really have this blog sort of thing. it's helpful to write i guess. i write it as if you'll see this one day, i write it to you. i think i also partially write to keep my sanity. coping with my own feelings about you and life. life is hard. my medication i think has helped me a lot. i don't think i would be alive without medication. not right now. i'm okay, surprisingly okay actually i've been told when i tell people about our breakup. i don't feel okay, but i feel like i will survive and that's all i can really hope for.

to you, my love. i hope you're doing well. i can't hope you find someone else, but i hope you come back to me healed from your own wounds.

hey, i wonder how you're doing. i wonder if you're talking to anyone. i talked to someone today. well, i have been since you left to be honest. i've been talking to multiple people. i felt guilty. when i did before in our relationship, i didn't really. i guess the difference is that they are actual relationships with my intentions and their intentions being clear. they're nice distractions but it doesn't feel the same. to be honest though, if i knew you were doing the same it would crush me. i partially feel like i'm doing this out of revenge. i do feel like i need a relationship to function at the moment. i need that attention, that feeling. i haven't been out of a relationship really for like 7 years or something and it feels very strange now.

i feel like i lost something every day since you left. it's cliche, but it feels like there is an actual void in my head, in my body, in everything i do now. it's almost a numbness.

i was looking at the sky tonight and just wondering if you were also were looking at the sky. it's something we still share and that makes me feel strange. i don't like the idea that we share the same world but are not together. that our lives are no longer intertwined, no longer the same one, that our lives are on different paths with different people.

i still get the urge to text you. i often stored thoughts or events that happened in my head so i could tell you later. i still do that and it hurts every time i realize that i cannot tell you. earlier, i don't think i would have ever gotten back together with you, but if you ask me now. if you asked me and told me you loved me, i might. i miss you so much and i haven't felt the same about anything since you left. that's also partially why i'm seeing other people. i need to move on and i need to make it so that our relationship cannot ever return. so that's what i did, because i know that if i ever told you what i was doing, you would never come back.

i wish i could still say i was still yours

i love you R

i never really told you but i'm not doing very good in school right now. i haven't really been attending any of my classes this semester. i never told you because i was ashamed. i don't know what is wrong with me. i just want to graduate but i cannot for the life of me just do the bare minimum. i'm quite depressed i think. it's not as bad as before. i had serious thoughts of killing myself a year ago. throwing myself at a bus or car after class. i feel numb. i just have this sinking pit of anxiety for you now that you have left.

~~ i also lied a lot to you. i'm not really the person you think i am. i never stopped doing lhr, i didn't even stop seeing her. i also liked you the moment i looked at you for the first time. i just kinda of constructed a character and series of events that i thought would appeal to you. i guess it worked. i also lied about never have slept with anyone before you. i lied about being attracted to you during our later years together.

i'm not a very good person i think. i put on a facade for just about everyone to appeal to their needs and interests. in reality, i'm actually very good at getting what i want. i often told you what you wanted to hear to make you stay. do the bare minimum. i did actually try in our later years, but i knew how to get you do the things i wanted.

i guess this is my way of saying that i'm trying to see other people. i kinda already have but at the same time it feels numbing. i don't feel what i thought i would have felt out of those interactions. i'm even talking to her again and i don't really feel that feeling of passion i had for her. i suppose im trying to fill the hole you left in me.

honestly, i'm not a very good person but i'm okay with that. i've always been okay with that. but i loved you. i did care for you. i often think of the beaches in san francisco when i think of you. the water crashing and the fog and the bridge and the wind. it reminds me of you because it felt like i never want to share this with anyone else.

take care R

i don't like thinking of california. almost every memory i have there is shared with you. i'm not sure i can go back. i think of the time we rode bikes nearly freezing our hands to the beach. i think of sharing hotpot with you. i think of daphne. i think of lcs. i used to think of hope.

i have a lot of pictures of us. i'm sure you have more. you always took pictures of everything. i rarely took them and it's still not something i can really handle. i don't want to forget them. some of the pictures remind me of memories i didn't even remember. many of them are some of the best memories i ever had. i'm not sure how you expect me to move on from that.

to certain degree i feel like i lost something along the way. i lost the ability to make you happy. all these memories have so, so much happiness. and it faded. i lost you. i'm sorry.

i can't tell what is worse. to stop loving someone or that your love for me couldn't stop you leaving. that you simply had enough of me. that instead of growing together, we grew apart.

take care R

i want to tell you so much about what's been happening in my life. i don't sleep well (haha). i've lost my appetite, and i'm starting to worry about my weight. most days, i feel anxious, nervous, and numb.

but i've reached out to friends, met new people for the first time in a long while, and even went to karaoke and sang my heart out—something i never thought i'd have the courage to do. it felt like finding the piece of college i'd been missing, but you're not here to share it with me.

~~ i threw out the flowers you gave me for our 5th anniversary. i understand now why you don't like flowers—their decay mimicked the end of us. i'm still surrounded by your gifts: the microphone, the lamp, the pillow, the keychain, the earphones, the pen, and so much more. i imagine you're probably looking at my gifts and feeling the same way. i hope you don't throw them away. i won't throw yours away. just because our relationship withered doesn't mean the memories were bad, or that i stopped valuing them.

i'll always hold on to you. i loved you deeply. i still care about you. i still worry about you. but the way you ended things—what you did—it was immeasurably painful. i know you were afraid of hurting me, but i deserved better. we deserved better.

but in some way, that's how i know you loved me. you loved me, didn't you? you were so kind, so thoughtful.

i rarely have dreams. i haven't dreamed about you. i feel lucky. i could not handle reliving memories with you and having to let go again when i woke up.

we outgrew each other and that is okay. i am okay with you not being in my life. i am okay with not being in yours. i am okay with the fact that we are not friends. i am okay with the fact that we are not enemies. i am okay with the fact that we are not anything to each other anymore.

it's kinda funny because when i think about it, the only thing we shared at the end of our relationship was our past. our precious, invaluable past. i don't know why but it's harder to let go of the memories of us than to let go of the person you are right now. you're not the same person i first met. i don't want to let go of the person i first met.

that's not to imply you changed for the worse. you matured, developed, found new friends, a new lifestyle, a new personality almost. you did what was best for you. and i stayed holding on to the parts of you that i loved. i accepted some of the new parts too, but i subconsciously lost my attraction to you.

i loved you in the deep, dull sense. i accepted you for you even if you changed. i would have stayed with you until the end of the universe if you wanted me to. but you realized that the relationship didn't need fixing, just that it was wrong for both of us.

i wouldn't have realized that. i'm glad you did.

i'll still love you until the end of time, you were my whole new sky of stars